You left, like my dad did

 replaying the same brokenness

and you confirmed it is not okay for me to fall apart

but at the same time,

It's all the instability in my life no?

but I learned faith and I learned back up

and I learned how much you are on your own in America

how you have to keep to yourself

I am vulnerable

Always have been, born into this

Andre wants me back

but he always does

wants to have access again after I cut him off

and Lord, how I fought calling you last night, Angel

but its all portraits of the past

its all part of me

parts of my life

Oh how I wish I could look back and have something to show for it

How I asked God for all this?

Wanted to experience love, but all I got was broken heart

not fair, yes there were great times. So why I focus on the end?

I always did. Andre was an artist, and Angel was a nurturer of some sorts.

He made me feel like it was okay to be me (in the beginning). I liked his desire for me.

Andre honestly believes I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that was shocking. 

There were both enamored by me. Oh how I hate new Brunswick. Andre says I shouldn't use the word hate. 

But what to use? the worst time, after the best time of healing with God. 

Would I be the same person if I didn't go through New Brunswick? Not.

Create a vision for yourself, Auris. The future you want to create.

Stop giving energy to all this past. The past we cannot change, only the future.

So my wish came true

You came back

We got to talk

I got to say things

and hear you say things back

what a blessing

what a surprise

You had a story

I didn't want to believe you

Angel, you disappoint like always

Not the man I want or need 

You showed your true colors, you didn't care for my consent then

Don't care about it now

It sickens me what a small man you have become

not aware of his power, hopeless, dark, and horny as fuck

You want to reduce me to a sex doll

and things were safe at first, but the more I opened up

You saw a window and went with it

You always say big promises and deliver nothing

What is the point Angel? Are words just words to you?

They are, you never knew the meaning of commitment

maybe that's why you are not married now

I know I make your dick hard

but I am more than that

and you use me to get you there

but you don't think of me and what I need and what the child needs

It's so intertwined now, isn't it?

Now the problem is left for me to solve, like always

You create a problem and are not part of the solution

Jonathan said you have a cold heart,

Don't care what me and my child have to go through

I offered to travel there, you tell me to pay for the appointment as well

You don't want to give anymore, like you are not responsible for all this emotional turmoil you have 

created in my life. $300 ain't shit. Pay me retributions, kid.

At the end of the day, it's like the altar you go to get self acceptance

Just the fact that you are there means you believe they owe you something and you will get something

but from you, all I get is disappointment and brokenness. 

You are not a man, I am mad at that

But how to resolve all this? Leave you in the past, bury you again

I said I don't want to talk anymore, you said okay. I know that came out of pride

but I hated, once again, how easy you give up

It's all the same thing, he is not the one. No matter how it feels

The bond that is there, in a moment's notice I threw it all out the window

I didn't like where it was going, just like with James

You both had nothing to offer, just dead weight.

I am sorry, wish our story ended a better way.

Blended family thing they sit there and are like we are happy! This is possible!

I wonder if it really is, I really do.

Blended family, pretend the feeelings are no longer there. But I know healing is possible.

I wish we could resolve all this. However, I do hope the test says no and I leave you in the past, right where you belong.

The one good thing that came out of all of this is that you told me what you did

and it completely repaints the picture

I was disguised, I believed the wrong thing. I think I attributed so many things to you, simply because you were there at a specific time but the God's honest truth was, you were there twice.

Once, when I needed to move and another, when you talked to the guy and got me the interview. I gave you so much credit, because you did something when everyone else did nothing.

But other times, you weren't there and kept pushing me away but when I was around you it was like a natural high so I ignored the red signs. Like the time I showed you I wrote you a song and you dropped me off in the corner, I walked the rest of the way home. The way I kept showing you I cared, but you kept to yourself, in your house, 10 minute drive away, like I didn't' matter.

How could you say you love someone and not really mean it? why all these years later all this stuff still matters? I guess because this is my life and this is my story. I hate all this stuff. 

I have to flush it all out like poop down the toilet. I release you, Angel. All this stuff does not serve me.

You confirm all my feelings of inadequacy and incompleteness and brokenness. 

I am ready for a new chapter, where I am complete and loved and it is safe for me to feel. Be with someone that has more of a emotional spectrum where they can deal when I fall apart.

Because what is the point of it all if I have to be strong all the time? 

You finally reached out

You finally reached out
yeah, at year 5
always how I thought
guess prayers come true

you are not the same
but I speak not from knowledge
just from assumption
how the time must have changed you

who are you today?
to come to my dismay and ask questions
you never cared to answer before

I am the same, reading old blog posts and poems
and wondering where did all this emotion go
and afraid of it, not wanting it to come back

you are the one 

perfect counterfeit
I have never cared for someone more
and then I wonder if I am wrong
if it was all a dream
a fantasy or something I imagined

Was it real or was it just real for me?
the love I felt for you and how I would have
done anything for you

and at my devotion you shook me away like I was nothing
pushed me aside when I most needed you
then hated the way I acted out
the brokenness, the limitless

I see I was too much for you
cared too much, the writing
and the song making
and the woman I was
it was too much for your cup to contain

so you gave it up, it was easier like catching your breath
but still that brokenness hunts me
and scared me to open up to another
the way I did to you

and although I always seek to fix me
I am wondering if love can happen
before all this fixing can happen
and maybe someone will love me in all my brokenness
and honesty and poetry and Jesus loving
and maybe that's been the lesson I have to learn now

to let you go and the memory of that rejection
abandonment
the same record, different song

I don't want to repeat the patterns

I hated how much I needed you
and I hated how easy it was for you to let me go

Now you might join my life? or who is to say
Who knows? but I am no longer afraid
We all have to confront the decisions of our past
that led to current consequences of today

But still what are we to do?
Time will tell
I will heal
and the wounds in my heart
I don't know
what to say about that

James

Stay together

go visit him

don't sin

don't give in

you want more

than I can give

still I stay

but I'm not smiling

my face is not shining

all my work goes down the drain

don't want to inherit another child

maybe I'm putting someone else's burdens on you

unhealed from Nasean? unhealed from feeling like a slave?

too much time spent with people who abuse (mother)

and people who use (everyone wants something)


so this I am taking out on you

I hope you understand

its not you, its me (yeah right)

you need to step it up

Chase me, do more

so that I see that I am not in this alone

otherwise you'll suck me dry

because my giving will be my demise

(and it was)

I wish

I wish I could talk to you

and speak the way we used to

Want to hear your voice, what you have to say

but I know its not possible

I'm supposed to stay away


Can people be bigger

Can we put it all behind us?

Why you couldn't come outside and meet me?

I thought you were better than that

Got with a girl that cut off your balls

Nothing respectable about that..

but still the one we love always seem to have the power don't they

and I still haven't figured everything out

but I digress


Wish I could call you up sometime

and say what's up

But we gotta live, pretend like we are dead

to each other and never connect

over some petty life-ruining shit

Fears that come alive like nightmares

that never were, cause you stayed sleeping

I wish

face

saw you on face
book today


you look
the same
but not yourself


like a ganster


not the sweet Angel that I know


your page is... disappointing


we're not into the same things


I wondered why I ever liked you


yeah sucks to say it but it's true


From your page
it seems we have nothing in common


was I so weak? were you so strong?


was I so vulnerable? that you looked my way
and the attraction, it was on


lucky for you, we got to speak
so I didn't dismiss


and you showed your intelligence


I used to love all the things you said


now it's time
to close this chapter of my life
or begin it
depending on what happens next


but i'll see you again
i'll see you again

miss you sometimes

I miss you sometimes


not really


the truth is


I met someone


not a new someone


more like an old someone


who was at the same new years party


like 2  years ago


but that's not the point




the point is,


he doesn't exist


because you don't exist




He reminded me so much of you


I hope this is not incomplete


or makes sense in some way




I met someone new


and they reminded me of you


and because of this,


it feels like dejavu




oh how I wish I could call


but no, you still are far away


I'm the phone call you refuse


The crying girl that you ignore