You finally reached out

You finally reached out
yeah, at year 5
always how I thought
guess prayers come true

you are not the same
but I speak not from knowledge
just from assumption
how the time must have changed you

who are you today?
to come to my dismay and ask questions
you never cared to answer before

I am the same, reading old blog posts and poems
and wondering where did all this emotion go
and afraid of it, not wanting it to come back

you are the one 

perfect counterfeit
I have never cared for someone more
and then I wonder if I am wrong
if it was all a dream
a fantasy or something I imagined

Was it real or was it just real for me?
the love I felt for you and how I would have
done anything for you

and at my devotion you shook me away like I was nothing
pushed me aside when I most needed you
then hated the way I acted out
the brokenness, the limitless

I see I was too much for you
cared too much, the writing
and the song making
and the woman I was
it was too much for your cup to contain

so you gave it up, it was easier like catching your breath
but still that brokenness hunts me
and scared me to open up to another
the way I did to you

and although I always seek to fix me
I am wondering if love can happen
before all this fixing can happen
and maybe someone will love me in all my brokenness
and honesty and poetry and Jesus loving
and maybe that's been the lesson I have to learn now

to let you go and the memory of that rejection
abandonment
the same record, different song

I don't want to repeat the patterns

I hated how much I needed you
and I hated how easy it was for you to let me go

Now you might join my life? or who is to say
Who knows? but I am no longer afraid
We all have to confront the decisions of our past
that led to current consequences of today

But still what are we to do?
Time will tell
I will heal
and the wounds in my heart
I don't know
what to say about that